A generic version of the email you will receive on a daily basis from the University of BS (Which is probably the school you deal with), as you will read it after the first few repetitions. Graduates can relive their college experience, or, for current students, simply stop checking your email and skim this page every day.
From: Dean of Posterior Coverage <sanjay@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-STUDENTS@UBS.EDU
Subject: Mandatory CYA Training
Body: All students need to take this course that the university paid a fortune to a third-party ed-tech carpetbagger to license, which provides the absolute minimum coverage of an issue required under a new federal regulation. Everyone must take it, because otherwise we might be liable for your behavior.
This is why tuition is so high.
From: Executive VP for Thumb Sitting <VPGross@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-CAMPUS@UBS.EDU
Subject: I am why Tuition is so High
Body: I'm sending this email to justify my six-figure salary, but have nothing of value to say.
This is why tuition is so high.
From: University Bookstore <sales@bookcorp.com>
To: ALL-STUDENTS@UBS.EDU
Subject:UBS Pride Blowout!
Body: [Single Giant Image]
All proceeds go to the third-party bookstore contractor, a major textbook publisher, or Collegiate Licensing Inc, who actually owns the university's trademarks.
Attachment: Giant Image File
From: Dean of College <yu.liu@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-COLLEGE@UBS.EDU
Subject: Fwd: Important! Required Form!
Body: If you are a Congolese-born Micronesian national majoring in our smallest program, who was born on an odd-numbered Tuesday, and are currently in your third year of study, it is very important you fill out this form [not attached] in the next 12 hours. Everyone else we didn't filter out despite having the information to do so, please disregard the message... unless you belong to some other, larger group this message actually applies to but we didn't mention in the opening. In which case, gotcha.
From: Director, Center for Hurt Feelings <Amy.Dare-Obsanjo.Umdede@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-CAMPUS@UBS.EDU
Subject: Identity Group! Wedge Issue!
Body: We think we're being progressive, but are actually enacting the Rove/Crosby identity wedge strategy without even being prompted. Everyone please continue to irrationally venerate your in-group while fearing and despising your out-group.
This is why tuition is so high.
From: UBS-ALERT <UBS-ALERT@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-CAMPUS@UBS.EDU
Subject: Safety Alert: Mugging
Eight hours ago, at 3:00AM, a UBS student was mugged while trying to buy drugs three miles from campus.
From: University President <former.ceo@ubs.edu>
To:ALL-CAMPUS@UBS.EDU
Subject: UBS Today
Body: No one has ever read this PR copy. No one. Ever.
This is why tuition is so high.
Attachments: 3 large images, two of which have been delivered to everyone at the university every day for the past 5 years.
From: Center for Recruitment Spam <college-jobs@ubs.edu>
To: COLLEGE-STUDENTS@UBS.EDU
Subject: Recruitment Spam
Body: We are forwarding you this recruiter spam for a job which is possibly not a multilevel marketing scam, with highly specific requirements not fully enumerated in either the body or attachment.
This is why tuition is so high.
Attachment: 10MB PDF containing a large stock image and no information about the position.
From: Center for Recruitment Spam <college-jobs@ubs.edu>
To: COLLEGE-STUDENTS@UBS.EDU
Subject: [Broken Digest Mode] Recruitment Spam
Body: We are forwarding you this recruiter spam for a job which is possibly not a multilevel marketing scam, with highly specific requirements not fully enumerated in either the body or attachment.
This is why tuition is so high.
Attachment: 10MB PDF containing a large stock image and no information about the position.
From: Vice Provost of PR <pr@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-CAMPUS@UBS.EDU
Subject: Misinterpreted Research Result! Hype!
Body: Here's an EXCITING research result so weak and misconstrued the people involved with the project are now trying to distance themselves from it. The university community is very proud of the NSF grant that funded this work.
This is why your professors don't want to spend any effort teaching.
From: Student GrOUp <CuteName92@yahoo.com>
To: ALL-COLLEGE@UBS.EDU
Subject: Niche Group Meeting
Body: We will be having a meeting of this major and identity group specific student organization that only our four active members who have known each other for years, and one confused freshman, will show up for. It will be a 8:00 on Tuesday the 12th. LOL, they gave us access to the mailing list.
From: UBS-ALERT <UBS-ALERT@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-CAMPUS@UBS.EDU
Subject: ALL CLEAR
Body: ALL CLEAR
From: Executive Vice President for Things the University Actually Values <ted.evpfinance@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-COLLEGE@UBS.EDU
Subject: Sportsball Spotlight
Body: Our cash-cow athletic program will be having a game which will cause traffic, parking, food services, and everything else disruptions starting several hours before 7:00AM some week day next week. Please understand that for cashflow reasons the university is much more invested in this event than our educational programs. While on the topic, we would would like to remind everyone not to engage in any jackass behavior that will cause blow-back while the media is watching because of this event.
Go Team!
From: College Student Services <dana@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-COLLEGE@UBS.EDU
Subject: URGENT Tutoring for MAJ360
A student who has paid no attention in MAJ360 so far this semester has a test this week and is starting to panic. For retention reasons, we are hoping someone who took this class previously will bail them out.
This position is paid at $10/hr, negotiable, and is not administered through the university.
From: CuteName92@yahoo.com
To: ALL-COLLEGE@UBS.EDU
Subject: RE: Niche Group Meeting
Body: Sorry, that was 9:00 on MONDAY the 12th.
From: TrendyCOMPLEX <trendycomplex@slumlord.biz>
To: ALL-STUDENTS@UBS.EDU
Subject: Live it up!
Body: For only three times the average housing cost in the area, you can live in one bedroom of a shoddily-built, poorly furnished apartment shared with three randomly selected alcoholics.
Attachment: Giant image of a nice apartment building. Not the one being advertised.
From: CuteName92@yahoo.com
To: ALL-COLLEGE@UBS.EDU
Subject: RE: RE: Niche Group Meeting
Body: Correction, that was 8:00 on Monday the 12th.
From: UBS-ALERT <UBS-ALERT@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-CAMPUS@UBS.EDU
Subject: Gas Leak
Body: The entire south third of campus is being evacuated because a gas main was broken by construction workers working on one of the several ongoing expensive new building projects.
This is why tuition is so high.
From: College Student Services <dana@ubs.edu>
To: ALL-COLLEGE@UBS.EDU
Subject: Scholarship Opportunity
Body: Students in their junior year of MAJOR with at least a 3.98 GPA and three faculty recommendations are eligible to apply for a scholarship that will just barely cover tuition for next semester. Recipients will be obligated to teach at the worst inner-city school in America for a salary only technically over the federal poverty level for at least a decade after graduation.
From: LMS@UBS.EDU
To: Firstname <FirMLastname23@ubs.edu>
Subject: Recent UBS LMS Notifications
Body:
Assignment created
Announcement: Grades have been posted for the last exam, results will be discussed in the class meeting 20 minutes from now, then we can all go drink until we forget this whole ordeal.
Assignment created
Assignment you submitted three days ago overdue two days ago
Assignment created
Instructor uploaded reference materials for assignment due last week
Assignment graded
LMS System Outage from 2:00-3:30 AMST
Assignment graded
View your last 42 LMS notifications!
Copyright LMS Vendor. This is why tuition is so high.
Urgent: Lserve@ubs.education
Subject: student off campus recreation
It is Standard practice to allow a certain level of celebration from the student body during game days and athletic events. Know however that you are being watched like a Cat. We will pick off the weak and uninitiated for their behavior, regardless of peer pressure or upperclass endorsement.
Additionally, if any students should be found using non-recreational drugs, or using them in a non-recreational manner, expect to be punished accordingly. Also, this list serve needs to go out to our ENTIRE STUDENT BODY, because unless the vast majority have been exposed to controlled substances we won’t be able to market our billion dollar pharmaceutical decoys.
Also, this is why your tuition is so g.d. high.